The Transgender Toilet Debate and the Threat to My Social Life.

Transgender toilet access has for some reason become the vexing issue of our time, with many calling for all toilets to be unisex (or allsex or nosex WHO THE F**K KNOWS ANY MORE). As usual the victims have already been identified in this latest social justice tragedy and once again I do not meet the criteria.

And whilst I don't meet the criteria, I am a real victim of this unnecessary change. You see, despite attending boarding school and being endowed to a point so as not to create embarrassment, I suffer from a debilitating case of “stage fright”. For those unaware of this ailment, it is the inability to commence urinating in a crowded environment and is often accompanied with the facial expression of a strained simpleton, staring upwards into a small section of wall.

With the prospect of unisex toilets, I am forced to consider future scenarios which if realised, will see me remaining at home and further aggravating my already heavy alcohol intake.. Why? I can picture it now. . . . Standing at the urinal after half a dozen whiskey sours, I'm just one of many strained simpletons, concentrating on my chosen imperfection in the masonry. My drink is in reach as it balances precariously on a dry piece of ceramic, all the while in my peripheral sight. Next to me there are women huddled at the mirror applying make-up. Whilst ridiculing friends whom remained outside, their conversation suddenly becomes disjointed and stuttered. One by one they glance over the divider at my pitiful balancing act with overwhelming bemusement and disapproval. My stream remains dormant and I eventually exit the facility with a full bladder feeling the worse for wear.

Another issue that should be of concern is the "fate of the shake". I imagine with women in the room (as well as the miscellaneous and hybrids) a police report may ensue if current norms were to continue. That is, after relieving oneself it is normal in the ordinary course of events to grab hold and shake it like a British nanny. What will happen to all those droplets if the aggressive shake is to be abandoned? Disrobing after a big night out would be like removing bathers in the change-room. Social gatherings would be peppered by a plethora of zipper stains and an unpleasant aromatic hint of ammonia.

Other issues like dementia affected older women opting for the wrong ceramic and horseplay by drunken young men with the mysterious new bins in the stalls need not be examined. The Government should not involved in this peripheral issue, instead they should focus on other priorities . . . like national security. . . and leave the water closets desisions to the people.